The
Shâwermâ Confession [1]
2.
“I say,” I turn to
address the diplomat and the rest of my disciples, “are
you by any chance thinking what I am thinking?” And I give them a knowing
smile as I nod with my head towards the restaurant. Instantly, I get a unanimous
“yes.” “Then,” I say, “let’s stuff ourselves to the fullest, you gluttonous lot.”
3.
We
wolf down the sandwiches in a joyful atmosphere. The restaurant’s owner is evidently
pleased, I don’t think he has ever had the opportunity to sell so many sandwiches in
the span of a mere hour before. He even orders more Shawerma to be brought from a nearby
restaurant to suffice the crowd. Everybody is, indeed, pleased. Everybody, everyone, that
is, except yours truly.
4.
For
as my physical hunger gets satisfied, a different sort of hunger is announcing its
presence within me, and I have to express it somehow, somehow. In words, that is
it, I have to express it in words
to my disciples, now. As I have said, I no longer am entitled to a private life or
thought.
5.
“Have you ever considered this matter? - A messiah might indeed be
able to point the way to your salvation, but who, or even what, can point the way to his
salvation?
6.
“Do you really think that a messiah should necessarily know the answer
to such a question? Perhaps you are right, perhaps, but I am not too sure. I have often
thought about this dilemma of mine and the only salvation I could see for myself was to
give myself up totally to my own internal demons.
7.
“Yes, I preach that people should face, always fight, and never run
away from their internal demons, but when it comes to me, I give up the fight. I
don’t run away, I just give up the fight. I give up the fight and give myself up totally to the omnivorous appetite of the most heinous demons imaginable.
Why? Do you really want to know why?
8.
“Because, I realized at one point that, in my case at least, these
demons, no matter how ugly they appear, no matter how frightening, might actually be good,
if not for me and my well-being, then for others and their well-being.
9.
“Now this may not be a completely satisfactory answer, but it is the only answer I got, it is the only
answer I could come up with after many, many years of thinking. I behaved according to it eversince I found it, I am here because of that. And no, I don’t have any regrets about
it, no regrets at all. But sometimes, I
wonder... Sometimes I yearn... 10. “Could there ever be a sense of fulfillment lurking somewhere in the future of a messiah?”
[1] A popular Syrian dish that can be made with chicken or lamb. Or, in difficult economic times, with the meat of stray cats and dogs, all on the hush-hush, of course, people might strongly suspect what they are eating, but no one really wants to know for certain.
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lust for salvation, Brother, as though it were a woman, and I - a man.
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